


I'll tell you my sins, and you can sharpen your knife

by ithilien22



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Episode Tag, Episode: s02e10 By the Light of Dawn, Gen, Minor Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood, POV Jace Wayland
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-12
Updated: 2017-03-12
Packaged: 2018-10-03 07:07:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,174
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10238642
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ithilien22/pseuds/ithilien22
Summary: In the aftermath of an (only partially thwarted) apocalypse, how do you move forward?[Episode coda: extended version of the Jace/Alec scene in 2x10.]





	

**Author's Note:**

> This is a gap filler for ep. 10, so **definite spoilers, including direct dialogue!**

Jace sits down heavily, sliding to the floor in the hall almost as soon as he’s out of sight from the others. There are bodies all around him – shadowhunter and downworlder alike – in every room, every hall. He knows he’s not responsible for all of them, but it’s hard to find much comfort in that. 

And Alec. Alec’s pain is so sharp, his fear has been slamming into Jace like a physical force ever since the aftermath of the soul sword, flooding his veins with ice through their bond. He’s never felt that kind of fear from Alec. Not on their worst missions together. Not ever.

It’s so overwhelming on top of everything else that’s just happened, his body eventually goes numb to it, and that’s almost worse in a way. With guilt settled heavy in his stomach and his parabatai bond effectively muted, Jace doesn’t know if he’s ever felt so alone.

It’s the only explanation he has for how Alec manages to startle him, his voice ringing out in the empty hallway. He’s always been able to sense Alec’s presence before hearing his voice, so it’s enough of a jolt that it at least serves to fling him out of his own head and back into the institute. 

He lifts his eyes from the floor at the sound, blinking up at the somehow unexpectedly bright florescent lighting, to find his parabatai striding towards him. He immediately struggles to his feet.

“Magnus?” he asks, heart in his throat. Alec’s face is expressionless, but he thinks that’s a good sign maybe, because it had been twisted with fear and anger the last time Jace had seen it.

_Please let him have found Magnus_ , he prays silently. _Alive._

“He’s okay,” Alec tells him, and one of the many knots in Jace’s chest loosens slightly. “Madzie too.”

“Thank the Angel,” Jace breathes out. “Alec-”

“This isn’t your fault,” Alec cuts him off, “and I’m sorry I left you to deal with Valentine by yourself. I just. I didn’t know if-”

Alec seems to run out of steam mid-sentence, carding a hand through his already messy hair. Now that Jace can take a moment to really look at him, he looks exhausted. Jace doubts he looks much better himself.

“I get it,” Jace assures him, tentatively holding out a hand and almost sagging in relief when Alec immediately grasps it. “You had to find Magnus. You had to know he was okay.”

Alec nods, leaning back against the wall but not yet letting go of Jace’s hand. 

“I’ve never felt fear like that,” Alec admits and Jace squeezes his hand softly.

“I know,” he says. “I felt it too.”

Alec looks down and slightly away, dropping Jace’s hand. Jace’s stomach clenches, already missing his parabatai’s touch.

“Sorry,” Alec says, voice low enough to be a whisper. “Guess our mother was right. Emotions cloud your judgement.”

Jace thinks about the stab of unexpected panic he’d felt when faced with a slowly dying Simon. The still warring hope and disappointment at learning his family wasn’t really his own. The overwhelming sorrow that claws at his throat when his mind conjures the image of another fallen friend.

And then there’s Alec, falling in love for the first time in the midst of a war, trying to navigate a new world that’s constantly changing on him from all sides. Jace knows the regret is only hitting him so hard now because he’s never had to choose before. The people he loves used to all fit so neatly within his line of sight, in the range of his arrows. 

Jace clears his throat roughly. Emotions aren’t weakness. He refuses to believe it; that’s Valentine’s logic.

“Or they just make us human,” he offers instead. Alec looks over at him with surprise that slowly morphs into understanding.

“Yeah,” he agrees softly. “That’s… something we all share, isn’t it? Shadowhunter, downworlder, or mundane.”

_That and death_ , Jace thinks, but he doesn’t offer the thought aloud.

“It, uh. It went… okay with Valentine, right?” Alec asks tentatively. “I mean, I know he’s in custody.”

“He’s not my father, Alec,” Jace says, the words tumbling out more bluntly than he means them to. But he suddenly needs for someone to know, to understand. “He admitted it to me. He lied about all of it.”

Alec hesitates, visibly taken aback by Jace’s words. He shakes his head slightly.

“What if he’s still lying?” he asks. “I mean- how do you know it was the truth?”

“He had the soul sword in his hands,” Jace tells him. He watches as Alec’s disbelief grows, trying to process this new information. Jace knows the feeling.

“So, Clary’s… not your sister?” Alec says slowly. Jace almost wants to laugh. Or maybe throw up.

“No,” he confirms, “she never was.”

Alec sags heavier into the wall. 

“What are you gonna do?” Alec asks him.

Jace shakes his head. There’s only one thing he can do.

“I’m gonna tell her,” he says. 

He struggles to picture it, telling Clary. He doesn’t know what reaction he’s hoping for, when he can’t even sort through how he feels about it himself. He had been so blindsided by the knowledge that she was his sister after he had already started developing feelings for her, that he hadn’t stopped to realize how those feelings were slowly evolving. A sister, a _blood_ sister who was connected to him in such a fundamental way. His family.

And now that was gone too.

“What about you?” he asks, after the moment stretches out enough to make him uncomfortable with the silence. “Are you going to Magnus’s?”

Alec nods almost absently. 

“I had to… settle things here,” he says. “Help with the clean up. But yeah, I- I definitely know where I want to be tonight.”

He says it matter-of-factly, no blushing or innuendo in his words. Just simply – _it’s been a hell of a day and I know where I want to end it._

Jace envies him that a little.

He pushes off the wall and moves towards Alec, intending to offer his hand again in parting, but before he can do anything, Alec grasps his forearm and pulls him into a hug, so tight it’s almost painful. Jace sags against him, his arms wrapping around Alec just as tightly. He hadn’t realized how much he needed this.

“We’re all okay,” Alec murmurs into his hair. “It’s okay. We’re okay.”

_Not all of us,_ Jace thinks immediately, but Alec’s words still serve to melt some of the tension from his shoulders.

“We’re okay,” Alec repeats. Jace buries his face in Alec’s neck and tries to keep himself from falling apart the rest of the way.

“We’re okay, we’re okay,” again and again, Alec’s words slowly thawing the numbness that had settled in Jace’s veins.

He says it enough times that Jace almost starts to believe him, until he opens his eyes and is immediately faced with a contradicting reality.

“We’re okay, we’re okay.”

But they’re not. Not really.

Not yet.

**Author's Note:**

> please come yell at me on [tumblr](https://ithilien-writes.tumblr.com/)!


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